LETTER FROM THE UNITED KINGDOM


Buckingham Palace
14th November 2000

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the residents of the United States of America,
In view of your abject failure to elect a President and thus to govern
yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your Independence,
effective today at Five O'Clock Greenwich Mean Time.

Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties
forthwith over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except
Florida, which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Catholic Majesty, King
Juan Carlos of Spain. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair,
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that difficult.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as
the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to
get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour). We are hoping to get together at least an American rugby sevens
side by 2005.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.

9. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.
Welcome Back.

Paul Beach
Tel (UK):+44 (0) 1844 354465
E-mail: pabeach@...
www.ibphoenix.com
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